the new victoria's secret catelog came in the mail today

my teen vogue will be arriving any day....usually this makes me happy but i'm just going to see those little models and feel crappy. back to school shopping won't make me feel any better. BUT I CAN'T WAIT TILL SCHOOL STARTS, IT'S SO EASY TO NOT EAT ANYTHING FOR DAYS!!! eeek

OMFG! MY MOM IS SO ANNOYING!!!! i have not lost any weight...like seriously, i'm the same i was months ago, but SOMEHOW my mom is always like..."are you eating right??? you look diseased, your eyes look sick and droopy like you aren't eating right" and then she makes me eat like double what everyone else eats. WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS!!! She doesn't understand that it's her fucking fault i do this to myself. what most people don't know about me is that i was really chubby in the 5th grade. and that whole year of my life, my mom was so cruel to me. she reminded me EVERY SINGLE DAY that i was overweight. she made me hate myself so much. the summer before 6th grade i exercised in my room and dieted and then when school started i lost a lot of weight because i wasn't at home snacking all the time, and my middle school had four stories and millions of stairs, and they also had a vigorous PE program. it was like a major 40 minute workout everyday. we ran a lot. whenever i was running, and i wanted to start walking i would just think to myself how awful i looked and how much i hated my body and myself for letting me look that way. soon i was very slim. i was pretty tall and a size 3. 7th grade was even better. i think 7th grade was my slimmest year. 8th grade, i figured i was skinny and i could eat whatever i wanted and i sort of let myself go. 9th grade i left my school with lots of stairs and awesome PE to a school with two floors and a lazy PE teacher. i gained weight, went from a size 2 to a size 5. i'm like 5'8" and a size 5 and i HATE IT EWWW i want to fit into my old jeans again. every little comment my family makes about my weight pisses me off more than anything. they could shave my head in my sleep and cut off my arms, but i will get more pissed off when my mom grabs little parts of my stomach and smiles and is like "oo what's this, gaining some weight?!?!" THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY BUT I SERIOUSLY DIE INSIDE. and my birthday is in october and my mom already bought my dress (quincianera) and my sister is like "don't gain weight before your birthday HAHAHAHA" i want to get really skinny and sick just to piss them off as much as they piss me off. and they're all way fatter than me. UGH STUPID BITCHES! and tonight was orientation...i had to see some of my fomerly fat friends come back thinner and my super super skinny friend looking taller and better than ever. UGH SHE IS SO SKINNY I HATE IT. i love her to death, but i secretly hate her. my mom made a comment that she looked unhealthy and anorexic and that i should never look like that, but she is seriously the prettiest girl in our grade and i told my mom that and she doesn't understand! IT'S SO UNFAIR. i hate all the skinny girls i know that wear ugly clothes. it's like, you don't deserve to be that skinny if you're just going to wear t-shirts and jeans. I DESERVE TO BE SKINNY. i wear dresses and skirts and cute tops and i should be skinny. UGH DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! i hate looking in the mirror more than anything. i could be in the best mood but i'll look in the mirror and feel like the ugliest person alive!!!! my mom thinks i look fine, but i want her to complain about me being too skinny. that's what makes me happy! i want to get into a good mood after i look in the mirror. i will lose weight, and when i do i'll never gain it back. i just have to do this, a couple miserable months and a long life of happiness. i can do it!! i will do it. i can't wait till school starts. the skinny people give me motivation and the fat ones show me exactly what i don't want to look like. SCHOOL NEEDS TO HURRY UP AND START.

and my sister said that i eat the most out of my entire family, STUPID BITCH!

and i hope i eat lunch with my skinny friend because she doesn't eat anything...so if i'm with her no one will say anything to me because i can be like YELL AT HER TOO

yessssssssssssssssss

I SUCK!

when school starts it will be a lot easier. i remember when i started this in late april/early may. i didn't eat breakfast, lunch, and could usually use homework as an excuse to eat dinner in my room, where i would throw away my food. on a normal day i would eat a bag of skittles or fruit snacks they sold in school. it didn't convince my friends much; they yelled at me everyday about not eating lunch. whatever. when school starts it will be EASY. i just wish i could go back to school thinner.

i wish i was cool like everyone else with these xangas. i don't count calories, and i've had the same broken bathroom scale for a year. but weight doesn't really matter to me..i can tell if i'm making progress in the mirror.

and i don't really eat meals by breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks...i just kind of eat little bits here and there at different parts of the day

today's damage: four taquitos (WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) i felt so dumb, so i went outside and ran a little over a mile. then for dinner i took a little spoonful of rice and just picked at pieces of the chicken. then i ate a piece of bread (I COULDN'T RESIST, THOSE CRESANTS ARE THE BEST, at first i only took half and then i was like fuck it) then my dad went to winn dixie and got me sour patch kids and i have been craving them, but i only ate half and gave the rest to my sis. so overall it wasn't too bad, but i was hoping for better. i'm really buckling down starting tomorrow because school starts the week after next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just have this neeeeeeeed inside of me to outdo my friends...and i want to be so much thinner than them it's not even funny!

and i want a boyfriend this year!!!!!!!!! i just feel like being skinnier would give me so much more confidence!! it's a new year, i want to start off looking like a new skinny girl. and i will. i have 10 days including today because it's only 12:12 AM to get thinner AND I WILL DO IT. I'M SO FUCKING DETERMINED.

the past two days have been ok. i decided that fasting is way too hard. i mean to go from eating so much one day and nothing the next is impossible, so i'm just going to gradually eat less and less.

yesterday my dad bought mcdonalds, but i told him to just get me a little mcflurry, which isn't so bad compared to a bic mac, fries, and coke...so it's good. then i had two pieces of fish, and barely a scoop full of macoroni for dinner. pretty good intake for the day i guess, except that i had a coke to fight the cravings...and i hate drinking coke because i get so addicted. i can go weeks with only water and once i take that sip of coke i'm back on the coke cycle. and i can't get used to the taste of diet coke. IT'S SO GROSS TO ME! the best i can do is C2 whatever.

today i did pretty well. i had a cheese omelet this morning...for dinner my mom got mexican food, but i said i didn't want any. i went to the movies and just ate some gummy worms. then came home and ate a little bit of dry cherrios. i think my friend is ana...she told me the other day all she ate was a salad, and i saw her tonight and she looks skinnier. NO WAY BITCH...THIS IS A COMPETITION NOW. lol it does give me motivation though. i felt a little thinner today, probably just because my clothes fit loose, but i loved it. i definitely want to be able to feel skinny all the time SO TOMORROW I KNOW I'LL DO WELL!!! as long as i don't get bored i won't eat too much. i'll work on my summer essay, or dance to music in my room. i just have to stay out of the kitchen and i'll do great!

i really like sepia tone pictures. i won't mind my picture getting taken when i'm skinny.

i want to go shopping BAD!!

if someone takes me to taco bell in the next few days, i don't know if i can fight it. i would love a quesadilla and those cinamon twists right about now. that motivates me during the day though. knowing that i might not be able to hold back, so i won't eat anything that way if i do eat it will be the only thing i eat that day. if i can go the whole day tomorrow without eating, i'm rewarding myself on friday with some taco bell. YEAH BUDDY! AND SOUR PATCH KIDS. they were out at the theater, and i was like wtf? the only reason i invited friends to the movies was so that i could get some sour patch!